It’s essential to discover our behaviour in the addict’s life. We are so close to the problem that we can’t see our role in most cases. Taking an honest inventory can be challenging and usually requires professional assistance…

Understanding our responsibilities and playing an important role can be decisive first steps towards freeing ourselves.

There have been many important studies on addiction and the family’s importance. Overall the addict has a far greater chance of success when the support system or loved ones seek guidance or professional help.

Take a closer look at some of the positions people can play surrounding the addict! (please understand that these are generalized behaviours)

The addict often is the person that controls the circus with a wide range of behaviours that create opportunities for others to play their role. The addict typically plays both sides of the fence with people’s strengths and weaknesses. For example, let’s look at the addict and the Passive Caretaker.

THE PASSIVE CARETAKER BEHAVIOUR

Most people know this person as the enabler, the one that is always the fallback person. Often this role is busy taking care of all the little details; shopping, endlessly researching options, driving from place to place and usually covering up the behaviours of the addict. Commonly this role tries to be in the middle, keeping everyone on that fine balance line.

The addict typically has at least one caretaker and often pulls them in close to their side, always leaning on them for reassurance, support and emotional strength. Because the enabler is masterfully doing their job, they feel a sense of control, safety but mostly guilt and fear to be an integral part of the overall problem. The addict sees an opportunity to control the caretaker with statements like: “I would have been dead if it wasn’t for you,” “I can’t control myself, and I need you to protect me” You take my paycheque and only give it to me when I need it for my bills ” and so on… As you can see, both roles can very quickly become dependent on each other.

The passive caretaker primarily takes the protective stance with the other roles and usually is comfortable in the leadership position. They sometimes overlook the present situation, focus on moving forward, and overlook the importance of tackling substance abuse directly.

In addition, the enabler can have heavy overtones, creating the other members of the support system feelings not important, uncomfortable or left behind. The passive caretaker also has wonderful qualities and can bring many resources to the table, such as; taking leadership, dealing with complex tasks, making decisions, researching, getting the support group close together.

THE DISCLAIMER BEHAVIOUR

This disclaimer rejects any responsibilities, refusing to take action, ignoring that the problem exists. Often this role suppresses the overall magnitude, stating that it’s nothing to be alarmed about. In most cases, this role feels neglected because they are put in the backseat, and the addict takes all of the family’s resources. Feeling of deep anger, loneliness, fear that the family is falling apart and resentment are often present. The disclaimer is the first to leave the room and look the other way.

THE BLAMER BEHAVIOUR

This blamer mainly points fingers at others. Typically, this person states they have tried everything and can’t deal with the situation anymore. The blamer often feels a sense of loss and becomes very angry at the addict. The blamer focuses on the past, digging up the old bones and never letting go! The blamer often tries to shelter the rest of the casualties or can be known to stand alone, unwilling to be a functional part of the team. The blamer can also be known as the passive-aggressive one that can use inappropriate humour to shield the true nature of their feelings, typically feeling of shame, guilt and remorse.

These are just some of the behaviours and attitudes that can surround the addict; many families and or support systems could have one or more of these personas on any given day.

Starting any process has its challenges and can seem like we are climbing a mountain, but don’t be discouraged. Developing awareness is an essential step and can open a new door. Gaining insight on how others might react or deal with the addict can be powerful in helping understand their position. Each role has its part, and our objective is not to label or create an image that one behaviour is better than the other.

For more information, look at our online family program or contact one of our counsellors who has experience dealing with family structures in addiction. Many residential drug and alcohol rehab centers offer family programs providing support, guidance and counselling.